It may be surprisingly arduous to identify a codependent friendship—particularly after we’re continually fed idealized pictures of “journey or die,” inseparable duos who do the whole lot collectively. That degree of closeness virtually looks as if the purpose.
However codependency isn’t nearly being tight-knit. It’s a sample of counting on another person to really feel safe, grounded, or okay with your self—typically to the purpose the place your individual wants and individuality take a again seat. “There’s nothing flawed with discovering worth in or prioritizing friendships,” Sienna Chu, LMHC, licensed therapist based mostly in New York Metropolis, tells SELF. “It turns into an issue if you really feel like your value and id are overly invested in only one particular person, and you’ve got a tough time having a way of who you’re with out them.”
Whereas it’s turn out to be a infamous buzzword in romantic relationships, codependency typically flies beneath the radar in platonic ones (despite the fact that it may be simply as dangerous). Questioning whether or not your bond may be slightly too all-consuming? Listed below are a couple of sneaky crimson flags to look out for, in keeping with specialists.
1. You want their opinion earlier than making up your thoughts.
Certain, there are occasions it is smart to attend to your buddy’s POV—like wanting them to weigh in on the menu earlier than ordering dinner or checking in case your outfit passes the vibe examine. However then it’d snowball: Possibly you gained’t schedule a date till your bestie “approves” of their Tinder profile. Or you end up holding off on forming an opinion—a couple of stylish present, a mutual buddy, juicy celeb drama—till you hear their take first.
For those who attain a degree the place it looks like you may’t transfer ahead with out their enter, you’ve most likely gone past simply valuing their recommendation—and into full-on needing their approval to reside your life. “You’re relying on them to inform you what’s okay quite than being assured and having a way of independence about what issues to you,” Sharon Martin, LCSW, therapist based mostly in San Jose, California, and writer of The Higher Boundaries Workbook, tells SELF. Possibly you do that as a result of your pal has beforehand pressured you to at all times “examine in,” or it’s your individual insecurity driving this need for affirmation. Both approach, when another person’s enter begins to matter greater than your individual instincts, Martin says that could possibly be an indication you’re beginning to lose your self within the relationship.
2. Your temper is determined by how they’re doing.
Somewhat than merely feeling joyful for them after they get a promotion or unhappy after they’re going by way of a breakup, “You could really feel personally chargeable for their feelings,” Chu says. It’s not simply, My buddy is upset and I wish to cheer them up, it’s, I can’t really feel okay except they’re.
So as an alternative of providing assist, you would possibly end up attempting to repair or management their temper simply to assuage your individual. That may lead you to lend them cash as a result of they’re anxious about their month-to-month payments (despite the fact that doing so places you in a troublesome spot too). Or shedding sleep over their household drama. Mainly, “There’s no area within the relationship so that you can have and course of your individual, totally different emotions,” Martin says, which is able to solely set you up for disappointment down the road.
3. Your different relationships are slipping.
Even when you’re fortunate sufficient to have one go-to, wonderful bestie—the one that listens to your unhinged vent classes and understands your oddly area of interest memes—it’s essential (wholesome, really) to produce other individuals in your social community too. That would imply household and extra pals, in fact, but in addition coworkers you really like or much more informal acquaintances who see a special facet of you.
