A playful rivalry is one factor. However in case you’ve bought a aggressive good friend who’s seemingly decided to outshine you or carry you down…that sounds extra like a secret hater than a companion.
In fact, not each second of comparability or jealousy is a right away pink flag, Suzanne Degges-White, PhD, LCPC, a licensed counselor and chair of the division of counseling and better training on the Northern Illinois College School of Training, tells SELF. “Competitiveness doesn’t at all times come from a malicious place or a want to ‘be higher,’” Dr. Degges-White says. In sure instances, it’s rooted in private insecurity quite than ailing intentions: “It’s not a lot that they need to greatest their bestie, however extra that they’re attempting to show themselves succesful.”
It doesn’t matter what’s driving somebody’s aggressive streak, nevertheless, an exhausting recreation of “who’s higher” has no place in a wholesome friendship. Most of us are in search of a help system that lifts us up, not one which treats our wins like a private menace. The indicators of a aggressive good friend are sometimes delicate, Dr. Degges-White factors out, which might make it straightforward to second-guess whether or not you’re overthinking…or really coping with a frenemy preying in your downfall. Fortunately, familiarizing your self with the pink flags beneath might help.
1. They downplay your successes.
You rating a sick new house. You get accepted into that aggressive program. Any really supportive pal might be cheering for you while you’re completely happy, Layne Baker, LMFT, a licensed therapist based mostly in Los Angeles, tells SELF—which is why an individual who persistently shrugs off your wins or by no means lets you might have your second could also be intimidated by your excellent news.
Take a powerful profession transfer, as an illustration: As an alternative of congratulating you, a scorekeeping good friend may reply with, “Effectively, it’s simply a job.” You’re lastly in a wholesome relationship? “It’s nonetheless early, although.” Principally, “In the event that they’re by no means mirroring your pleasure, or they’re downplaying one thing that looks like a milestone to you, that’s positively value listening to,” Baker says, since it might sign that your success makes them uncomfortable or threatened.
2. Their “compliments” at all times really feel passive-aggressive or backhanded.
Competitiveness doesn’t at all times sound as apparent as “I’m higher than you.” Even when an individual says they’re completely happy for you, they could secretly be sizing you up by wrapping their judgment in passive-aggressive “compliments.” For instance: “Wow, you’re carrying that to the birthday dinner? I may by no means be that daring,” or “I imply, he’s actually not my sort bodily…. However good for you.”
When somebody doesn’t need to be apparent about their jealousy, Dr. Degges-White says these backhanded jabs could be a sneaky manner of holding you feeling small so that you don’t outshine them. An actual good friend, then again, will hype you up in a manner that undoubtedly feels good—with out making you ponder whether you’re falling in need of their “requirements.”
3. They one-up you on a regular basis.
It doesn’t matter what’s occurring in your life, a aggressive good friend will discover a solution to flip the highlight again on themselves. Perhaps you inform them you’re coaching for a marathon, and so they’re fast to level out that they already ran one two years in the past—and barely even skilled. Otherwise you’re venting about how exhausted you might be after an extended day; nicely, they labored manner extra hours than you and bought a lot much less sleep due to their demanding job. These annoying responses, Baker says, typically stem from a must dim your gentle so theirs can shine brighter.
